Douglas Bastard's Rants of Rage


This article was written on 07 Jan 2016, and is filled under Uncategorised.

Statement of treason

I’m posting rather a lot on Twitter these days and scarcely an hour goes by when someone from UKIP or a fellow traveller accuses me of treason. For their benefit, and to clear things up, I’ve set out the following statement so that they can all get jolly annoyed, go puce and do an angry, erratic dance around the coffee tables of their tasteful suburban homes.

Ready? I disavow any loyalty to Her Majesty the Queen, her heirs and her successors. Nor do I recognise her authority over me and, amusingly enough, when I had to be sworn in on jury duty, I sat there hating the Royal crest with every single fibre of my being and tried to will it to burst into flames. So I’m definitely no royalist.

Nor do I retain any respect for the House of Lords, an institution to which people are appointed by those we didn’t vote for and who then wield power over us. We can’t remove them, they’re there for life and even allegedly senile paedophile Janner was drawing a salary until fairly recently, despite being, according to his defence team, three sheets to the wind. So I view the Lords as an embarrassment to modern democracy.

And lastly, there’s the territorial integrity of the UK. I want Scotland to go its own way, because England is largely run by Tories and would rather be in the EU because it gives me an escape route. My concerns for humanity do not end at Dover, as do certain people’s, and I’m fast developing a sort of vast loathing for this country as the EU referendum draws near and the massed idiocy becomes clear. So I’m no patriot, either.

What I’d like to do is leave the country, change my nationality and then put a video of the British passport, ablaze, on YouTube. There are, however, some impediments in the way of this. I’m rubbish at languages, my job involves writing in English and my partner likes the UK and I quite like her. Added to which, there are just enough people and just enough hope to make life just about bearable.

With all that in mind, my chosen destination would be Sweden, my chosen career would be some kind of rubbish English language copywriter and as to the partner thing, I’d get round it with enormous charm and cheap flights. I should also say that if there any Swedish intelligence agents reading this who feel that I may have some special knowledge, I’d happily sell the country of my birth down the river for a passport and a nice flat in Lund.

And there it is, UKIPpers. My ‘statement of treason’. Should any of you want to make a citizen’s arrest, I’m not going to tell you where I live and the very idea of it makes me want to laugh myself into a nervous spasm. Take the country you have in your heads, a sort of nineteen fifties Britain that never really was and stick it up your fat arses. I have treason in my heart and I long for a land of fjords.

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