Douglas Bastard's Rants of Rage


This article was written on 22 Feb 2016, and is filled under Uncategorised.

Please… make me a citizen


My name is Richard and I’m a freelance writer. I’m also a British citizen and I really don’t want to be. Why? Because I think my country may be about to leave the EU. I quite like the EU and recognise that it’s been a huge force for good, but even if it doesn’t storm off, such a lot of xenophobic and racist nonsense has been talked over recent weeks that I don’t want to be British anymore.

That means I’m looking for a new EU citizenship. And because I know you won’t take me just because I ask, I’m going to try and sell myself to you in over the next few paragraphs. Don’t worry – you don’t have to have me come and live with you unless you really want to. You just have to give me citizenship and maybe, if you really like me, a bank account. Here’s why.

I want to pay tax in your country. That much is a given. If you let me call myself a citizen of your country, it’s only fair that I pay my taxes to you. I don’t expect any tax perks or loopholes so that I can try and wriggle around my obligations, because I think that’s a bit evil. Instead, I want to pay whatever you consider to be a fair amount, so that when money is paid into the bank account in your capital city that I’m hoping you’ll let me set up, the taxes on that amount go straight into your exchequer and not Britain’s. That’s how you know I’ll be a good and faithful citizen of your country.

And because I want to be a good and faithful citizen of your country, I’ll let you use me for whatever press and PR activities that you can think of. Should you want me to do a fifty two week lecture tour of European cities in which I tell people why you’re great and my new best friends, then I’ll absolutely do that. If you want me to sweep the streets in your capital city, then I’ll do that as well. See? My loyalty knows no bounds.

Some of you still have national service, or something much like it. So I’ll do that, too, if you want me to. Admittedly, I’m 42, asthmatic and slightly (ahem) overweight, but there’s always a remote possibility that I’m just what your army, navy or air force needs, in which case, issue me with a uniform, get me to shine my boots and I’ll take my turn doing guard duty with the rest of them. Your army, navy or air force almost certainly don’t need me, but the offer is there anyway.

What I don’t have is any familial links to any other European countries. My family were all English, at least, my family were all English from my great-grandparents onwards. Before that, I think some of them were Irish, but if you adopt the FIFA rules that govern nationality, then I wouldn’t be eligible to play for anyone else other than boring old England. And white (or red) aren’t a good colour on me anyway, so there’s absolutely nothing to lose.

Do I have any regrets? None at all. While Britain or, more exactly, England, are the country I was born in, I’ve watched in horror as it’s become a living monument to small-mindedness and petty bigotry of the kind I don’t want to have anywhere near my life. And that’s why I’ll be sending this out to every single European country in the next few days, in letter form and on Twitter, so you can give me the chance of lifetime and give me a way to stop being British. In time, I’d like to build up work contacts in your country and maybe live there when I’m older, but that’s all in the future. Right now, I want the peace of mind that comes with being a citizen of another country.

Get in touch with me at the email address on my letter or through my Twitter page and let’s get this started. I’m a taxpaying, wannabe citizen who is all ready to love your country and love the EU. Let’s get it on…

Lots of love,



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